Reflections, A Road to Recovery

So, it’s been a while since I posted. I had found an amazing guy and it became official. I didn’t want to share that amazing part of my life because I had never felt so much happiness in such a short amount of time. When we first made eye contact, he took my breath away and I knew I had to have him. After our first date, I knew he would be the one I would marry. But life doesn’t work out that way, and after 8 months, he left. Turns out he was a fuck boy after all. I have had a few days to get all the tears out of my system, and I am grateful for this relationship, because it taught me more about myself than ever before.

33 years old and I am experiencing the exact same thing as when I was 16 years old dating my high school sweet heart. I need to face it, that as much as I would like to keep blaming guys for giving me a reason to act crazy, I need to take accountability for my own actions as well. I have serious issues about trust and possessiveness. I need to learn that my bf is not my possession. That he is not my property. That he is an individual that will be different than me, that will be different over time, and will grow and change as we are all expected to do. That it is okay for that person to have his own life, own friends, own experiences. That we aren’t joint at the hip and have to do every single little thing together. That I don’t have to see him everyday, and that their life does not have to revolve around our relationship. This will also help me in maintaining healthy relationships with my own family and friends. It will help me to not make my relationship the center of my universe, which is what I do, because I love being with my partner at all times. Learning this will help me maintain my sense of individuality as well. And maybe breakups wouldn’t be so devastatingly painful. I wouldn’t feel so lost and empty as I do now. I also know that part of this process is establishing a healthy self-esteem. I need to learn to value myself more, and know my worth.

It’s funny because I thought that after dating my last ex of 9 years, that I would never ever tolerate any verbal or physical abuse. Yet the moment that this relationship started going down that path, I reverted to the exact same behaviors that I knew so well. I froze, consented to all demands, did not fight back, and then blamed myself for causing him to treat me this way. I am embarrassed by my actions and lack of actions to stand up for myself. I did remember the things my ex would tell me after being violent with me, that I provoked him, that I didn’t let him cool down, that I didn’t give him space when I knew he was upset. So in this relationship, I was always trying to be calm, to rationalize, to give him his space and asked him to take some time to cool down, yet it happened anyways. It showed me that men being violent with me was not my fault. That it is just who they are. I kept choosing to love him more than I loved myself and stayed. I think at this point in my life, it is time to accept seeking help in these codependent issues. I need to explore what deep rooted problems do these emotions stem from. There is no shame in wanting professional help in order to better yourself.

However, I have decided to refrain from dating. As much as I hate being alone, I need to give myself time to heal. This relationship was very brief in comparison to others that I have had, but very intense with emotions. We achieved a level of closeness in 8 months that I hadn’t even reached in my longest relationship ever. I like to believe that we truly loved each other, and for what it’s worth, I can honestly say that I have never been that happy in all of my life. No one ever made me feel the love that I felt in his presence. It was pure joy and happiness without a care in the world and life couldn’t be better. And for that reason, although it didn’t turn out the way I hoped, I do not regret any second of it. I love him dearly, and I’m happy that I had the chance to experience that love. He found me at a very dark time in my life, and he gave me light, hope, and love. That support was exactly what I needed at that time. He held my hand and always pushed me to be better, for that I will always be grateful. I am a firm believer that it’s better to experience love than not at all. And although later when I lay in bed at night and can’t control the tears that will run down my face, and that unavoidable void in the center of my chest expands, I know I will hate it, I will regret it, because in the midst of pain we will always just wish it never happened. He taught me more about myself, and made me a part of his world, and even with all the bad, I know I will always have him in my heart. They say people come into our life for a reason. And I wonder if his purpose in my life was to help me get out of the darkness I was in and set me down the path I know I belonged. Because of him I finally went back to finance, left the night life, and will hopefully start law school in the fall.

I know love will find me again at some point in my life. I am a natural born lover, and passion is what I am all about. So by then I hope to have corrected myself, and can experience life in all it’s joy and happiness. Until then, life will be about loving each day fully, loving myself more and more, and doing what makes me happy.

Fast Forward to the Present:

This is another post that I had written in 2018 around July. Again, as I had stated in my previous post Ghosts of Love’s past, time will remove the negative emotions that come with heart break. Things have changed a lot in my personal development in the last 6 months of 2018. I am no longer in Finance, and Law School is not in my future. But nonetheless, we grow through what we go through. When you find yourself in darkness, do not be discouraged, have faith in God, and in yourself. If you believe in yourself, you can change most things about your life. You just have to be willing to put in the commitment. It is funny, because the people that I have been romantically involved with lately would complain that I am the opposite. I don’t chase, I barely text, and sometimes they wonder if I am even interested in them at all. In my own crazy mind, I sometimes do find myself creating scenarios out of jealousy, but I just don’t display it the way I used to. I work on rationalizing. I am also very busy, I have to think, do I have time right now to be possessive about this? 99% of the time I don’t. I call my sister, my cousins or my best friend and talk out my emotions with them and move on. Learn to choose your battles. Not everything or everyone is deserving of your mental stability. Some situations are not worth the drama. I have recently come across guys that have tried to be jealous and possessive with me, and I dismiss them right away, because bad behaviors are contagious and that is not who I am trying to be anymore. Therefore, I don’t want that around me. You have control over what energy you allow in your space. Make the choices that will influence a better you! Thank you, Next.

 

XOXO,

Paris in NYC

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