“I don’t know just how it happened.
I let down my guard
Swore I’d never fall in love again
But I fell hard
Guess I should have seen it coming
Caught me by surprise
Wasn’t looking where I was going
I fell into your eyes
You came into my crazy world like a cool and cleansing wave
Before I knew what hit me baby, you were flowing through my veins
I’m addicted to you, hooked on your love, like a powerful drug.” –Avicii
A casual walk in the park turned into a magical night. Till this day, I am not sure if it was the brisk cool wind, the effect of the wine, the way he made me laugh out loud, the twinkling of the lights from the NYC skyline across the water, the sound of the waves splashing against the rocks, or the way he made me feel complete and safe although it was the first time we were meeting alone.
“Strangers in the night exchanging glances
Wondering in the night what were the chances
We’d be sharing love before the night was through
Something in your eyes was so inviting
Something in your smile was so exciting
Something in my heart told me I must have you” – Frank Sinatra
Before his lips kissed mine, something magical in the air had already sealed what I already knew to be true.
“And you became the light on the dark side of me
Love remains a drug that’s the high and not the pill.
Baby I compare you to a kiss from a rose” – Seal
By the end of that night I already knew that continuing this could either be a great love story whose beginning was written in the lyrics of a classical song, or a disastrous relationship. From experience, things that progresses at an accelerated rate with so much passion tend to crash and burn.
He rapidly became a growing addiction that I couldn’t deny. My phone would ring or beep with an alert, and my heart would stop, and flutter with joy at his name appearing on my screen with his contact photo, which I first disliked, and then ended up loving. Being careful not to sound too excited or to text back too fast because I didn’t want him to know he had me already from the very first kiss.
Our connection was everything that I have been asking for years. Locking myself in my room for hours on end on calls that lasted all night and felt like they had just begun. The notion of “butterflies in my stomach” and my cheeks hurting from smiling so much all night, a natural high that we all know too well, the feeling of euphoria that we often seek.
We spent many days in his apartment, a gift and a curse. A gift because we became this close so fast, got to share so much in a short time frame. And a curse because the negative things that come from spending so much time with each other surfaced as well. He is so annoying, wants to turn everything into a competition, hardly compromises, and started to get bored of me. Igniting my flaws, jealousy and insecurities stemming from the inconsistency of his attention.
Delusional thoughts, that if he was no longer communicating with me the way he was a few weeks ago, often, with sweetness, and interest of my daily activity, then that must mean that there was something or someone else that had become his focus.
A fear of love’s past urging me to not sit around and wait for him to break my heart. I felt like he was doing what most guys do these days, when they do not know how to be straight up with a woman about not wanting to be with them anymore. So they start to take hours to get back to a simple text, ignore your calls, and start to need space from seeing you. All indications that he was fading me out so that I could leave him. Which is exactly what I did.
“Well I took a walk around the world to ease my trouble mind
I left my body lyin’ somewhere in the sands of time
But I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon” – 3 Doors Down
I spent the last few days thinking of the details of our relationship that led to our peak and then to our demise. I re read every text message sent from the very first day. On paper, it seems as if we would have been almost perfect for each other. There is something special about a connection with someone that makes you feel like a teenager again, and we did that. Time spent doing the most nauseating things, from endless kisses, to endless hugs and cuddles, to endless laughter. I tried to prove to myself that I was being delusional, and yes maybe the thought of the change I felt in him being due to another woman in his life is delusional. But the fact remained that there had been in fact a change, and I could only associate it to a lack of interest in me. He did what he had to do to get me, but he didn’t do what he had to do to keep me.
Initially it angered me, I felt that he had put in so much effort in wanting me to fall for him, asked me several times to be his girlfriend, were persistent when I kept saying that I wasn’t ready, and the moment that I uttered that I was falling in love with him as we laid in bed cuddling right before falling asleep, he changed. This feeling of betrayal is worse than a guy just wanting to sleep with me. I felt he was deceitful and emotionally manipulated this situation. “Los hombres se enamoran por los ojos, y las mujeres por los oidos.” He told me everything that I wanted to hear and charmed me. He seemed to have received what he wanted and started to take back the doses of his love and affection. The fact that he had a girl sending him texts for more than a month and he could not just let her know that he had a girl friend and just kept ghosting her, shows that he must get some sort of satisfaction of these woman that keep chasing after him. After all he had said he likes a chase.
My time with you was amazing in a lot of ways, you made me realize what I want in a relationship, what’s real, and what’s an illusion. You made me realize that I want to be with someone that is from my culture. The vibe is better when someone can relate to your upbringing. And you taught me that opening my heart and loving someone is possible, that there is no shame in feeling vulnerable. Unfortunately we cannot control how others will reciprocate those emotions, but expressing them lights your life in a different hue. I rather live my life in vibrant colors full of laughter and passion, then to live my life “safe” but live in tones of gray.
“It’s a little bit funny
This feeling inside
I’m not one of those who can easily hide
My gift is my song
And this one is for you
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind.” – Elton John
For you C.H.P