As much as I love to gossip and relate to the terrible dating stories that I hear from single women in New York City, there are a lot of times in which I come across women that have great lasting relationships with their significant other. Since dating, sex, and relationships fascinate me, mix that with my witty charm, and 3 glasses of wine in, they are telling me all the details. I have a knack for getting people to open up to me about the real in depth stories that make them who they are.
So after many glasses of wine at rooftop bars in the city, bonding with females of all social classes, ethnicities, and ages this is what I have come up with as what makes those lucky few have great relationships with a partner that seems to be just as into them as they are into him. Trust me that is easier said than done!
This is an obvious one. There has to be a mutual attraction. It is not shallow to want to be attracted to your partner. After all, that is all we get from a first impression, getting to know someone takes time. However, you can be a 100% attracted to someone and not have sexual chemistry. It is important to have both. A relationship wont last if you aren’t turning up the heat in the bedroom. There is a huge difference between thinking a guy is cute and undressing a guy with your eyes and thinking what it would be like to sit on his face. Yes guys, don’t be alarm, women think this way too. I just have the guts to express it. However, chemistry goes beyond physical, there has to be intellectual chemistry and spiritual chemistry as well. The more levels you connect with someone on, the deeper the bond will be, and the more magnetic and fulfilling the relationship will become.
Modern day dating makes getting to this step so hard and long. Everyone walks around scared to commit and to put a title on his or her relationship with someone. This pop culture we live in leaves everyone wanting to stay “single” just in case they come across a “better” candidate. In reality though, wanting to stay “friends with benefits” or in an “entanglement” for too long only leads to missed opportunity costs of the current relationship. What do I mean you may ask? It is simple, when two individuals first start getting to know each other; there is a very small window to turn that into a relationship. In my experience, I give that window a time frame of about a month, given constant communication and at least 2 dates per week. Within this time frame, you should know if this is someone that you can see yourself with or not. After this, either one or both will start to lose interest and go back to swiping on Tinder or Bumble, and next thing you know the good morning texts fizzle out, you see them less, they call you less, and you are left wondering where is this going? We all think that if we hold out long enough someone that checks all of our boxes will come along. The reality is that no one will ever check off every single box on your list. The person you may be seeing at the time may lack one or two things that you want, but you have to rationalize if that’s worth losing the many other attributes that you do like about them. The women with great relationships weren’t dating their partner for months on end. After a reasonable time, they both committed to each other. When you focus on one person you open the door for growth. It is better to commit to someone and grow together as a couple, then to stay single for years holding out for the ideal candidate.
This is a hard one for most people. As individuals we want to have things our way. However, when you decide to be with someone and in the future have to share a home with him or her, this is crucial. As much as you love your partner and they love you, you will find yourself fighting over what color to paint the accent wall in the living room. You have to find a way to meet in the middle, or negotiate. If something is not a deal breaker for you, then let them have the win, and agree to do things your way next time. There may even be times where you have to agree to disagree and drop the matter. You fell in love with your partner because of who they were, you can’t try to change them to be who you want them to be, or to think just like you, or to even have the exact same taste as you. Embrace the differences and learn to work with each other when disagreements arise.
I purposely left this one last, as I find it to be the most crucial. As a fellow Scorpio that will give a one-word reply, while having an essay worth of things I want to say in order to express how I really feel, this is key. Communication is hard for most couples because it requires you to be vulnerable. If the relationship is new, or if you aren’t sure what the status of the relationship is, this may be extra difficult to do. No body wants to open up and communicate about their feelings freely if they aren’t secured. However, it is important to communicate your needs and expectations clearly. Listen without interrupting; let them finish their train of thought. Try to be compassionate and put yourself in their shoes. The more comfortable you make your partner feel about being able to talk to you, the better the chances of the relationship flourishing. The last thing I will say on this topic is to never stop checking in on your partner. A simple text saying “hope your day is going well,” goes a long way. We all have busy lives, and it is impossible to communicate 24/7. But it feels great when you are having a long day and you see that message from the person you like and it uplifts your mood. It is a small gesture that couples often stop doing after a few months when they start to become complacent. It has a strong positive affirmation to it. It is a small expression of love and affection.
Practicing these techniques in your relationship is not going to make it perfect. Being with someone is hard and has a lot of ups and downs. But if you care and want to make it work, then it is worth the effort to take accountability of your flaws and make it better.