Scared. Sad. Rage. Self loathing. Regret. Fear. Blame.
The emotions I always experienced after he had physically abused me. I would go through the above mentioned stages. Always ending with blaming myself. Had I not said what I said, had I dropped the argument, had I known how to tell that he was about to lose his temper on me. Always blaming myself at the end. Years later realizing that I only did this to find a reason in my mind to stay. To act like I deserved it and had caused it on myself, to be able to continue to believe that he loved me and would never hurt me.
Silly, silly girl. Yet, I did that over and over for years. He would eventually feel bad, he would come to cuddle me and hold me, and want to kiss me, and although I shuddered at his touch, I still wanted it. Now that I have removed myself from that, and look back on it, I realize how sick that cycle was. I would be distant and cold for a few days, he would be nurturing, more loving, more giving. I could always expect a nice bag, nice vacation, or nice shoes after each time he would flip on me. It didn’t happen often, sometimes months would pass by without an incident. But regardless the fear was there. And every time I would forget, he would remind me.
I guess even now I still feel like I caused it on myself in one way or another. He never touched me until the day that I slapped him first for something related to some girl. He always said had I not touched him that time, that he never would have touched me in that way. Somehow I always felt that was a lie.
There is one incident that I remember clearly, he owned a few franchise businesses, and I had gone after work to help him with some work as I always did. I was very supportive of his career. I don’t remember the specifics, but I am sure our argument was over a jealousy fit relating to one of his customers, as was usually the case. I was immature then and didn’t know how sometimes you need to keep certain comments to yourself. Or maybe this is me still continuing to find excuses for his behavior as to be able to explain why I’m still so madly and deeply in love with him. How I would love nothing more than to give our relationship another shot regardless of the past. Codependency at its best? or maybe just pure old fashion stupid love??
Anyways, whatever it was that caused him to get upset. He slapped me, threw me on the ground, and would consistently keep shoving me back every time I tried to stand up. He was still operating his store, so before any customers came in, he grabbed me and threw me in the mail room, threatened to punch the shit out of me if I yelled for help or said anything to attract attention to myself. He wanted me to stay out of site until all his customers left. I absolutely feared what would happen if I said anything, so i had to hold my sobs and deal with it. Those minutes seemed to last an eternity. However, a few days later we were back to normal as if nothing had happened. But the event would always replay itself in my mind constantly for a while. You can smile on the outside, and inside be dying.