I have been in a relationship for most of my life. Therefore, my sexual life has consisted of mostly the men that have been my BF. That has only been 3. However, there were few here and there that came up during short lived break ups and hook ups. But I had never experienced a one night stand before. Most of my friends had them regularly and never had any complaints.

When my ex bf first broke up with me, I was lost. He had been my life for 9 years, my life revolved him and our schedule. I had no friends, my family was so used to me not being available to hang out that they just continued their life without inviting me any where. I had disappeared for the most part for years and I couldn’t expect people to be available now that I was all alone. I couldn’t stay home, every corner of my apt reminded me of my ex, I felt I would kill myself if I stayed in more than a few hours. So I started to go out to bars by myself. Just have a few drinks and browse the web on my phone. I ended up realizing how many people I could meet. It became a thing, I started to enjoy going out to random bars and meeting random people. Most of it never went past just pleasant conversation. But one night, I was really turned on, it had been a long time since I had last had any sex. I am very very sexual person, I sometimes consider myself a guy in that aspect. I think about sex 24/7, I love watching porn, I love toys, I love sex in random public places, I am always up for it. But I just like to stick to one person. However, this specific night, my dildos and vibrators were not going to make the cut. I needed skin to skin contact, I wanted to feel desired. So I told myself fuck it. I met a guy at Joshua Tree, he seemed nice and we hit it off, the chemistry was undeniably there. He lived around the corner, so it was perfect. I had never been to the place of a guy I just met before, I was super paranoid and quickly turned on my location and shared it with my two closest cousins. Thank you Apple for this feature!! I also made sure that I texted them the address, apt number, and took a quick picture of the guy I was with. I also sent them his phone number. I mean at this point, if I could have sent them his finger prints, I would have! I must say that the fact that I was so scared and paranoid was probably the reason why I feel my first one night stand experience was so bad. I became so over whelmed with my safety that I had lost most of the desire to sleep with this guy. His apt was a total mess, and that did not make things better. It just all felt wrong. I had not had sex with anyone since my ex, and started to feel insecure about my body image, no one else had seen me naked in 9 years. All of a sudden, all of my imperfections seemed to be such a big deal. What if I didn’t perform right? Guys aren’t the only ones worried about putting on a good show. I live for good sex, I love to please, and I like to make sure that I am remembered, that my name is associated with at least good sex in the minds of those that I choose to sleep with. I was a total mess, and in hindsight, I should have just gracefully left. I tried stalling by admiring his view from his bedroom window of the Empire State Building. I must say that it was truly breathtaking and it was lit in blue, red, and white.

Eventually I couldn’t post pone the inevitable anymore. He kissed me. At some point, I became completely sober and freaked out. He wasn’t that cute at all anymore in my eyes. I pushed him away from me, and made a run for the door. Thank god for summer heat, I had on a dress and it made it easy for me to just grab my purse and slip on my sandals. He was really confused and tried to stop me, but I had not ran that fast in a long time. I told him that I had to go. He managed to stick his arm in the elevator door as it was about to close. Fuck! I nonchalantly looked at him, swept the hair out of my face, and just said that I would text him. He asked me to sleep over, which I politely declined. He insisted on walking me to my car, and tried to kiss me before I left. I let him walk me to my car, and immediately blocked him on my phone. I have ran into him since then at the local neighborhood bars, but have completely acted like I did not know him. Needless to say that my first one night stand was not what I had hoped it would be. I was a mess, trying to keep it together.