Lovers from Afar

They say that there are different ways to love someone. There are also different types of love. But there are some people that we fall in love with and with whom fall in love with us, in which we cannot pursue more because of the timing of our life. I fell in love instantly with an individual from the very first time that we met. I knew then that this person was going to mean something to me. I wasn’t sure then what this person would do in my life, how he would affect me or even if we would evolve to anything more than just having met that night at a nightclub. Yet here I sit 4 years later working on my lab report, with a broken heart at having found out that he will be moving in a month to another state.

I even question myself a lot of times as to why I feel this way for this individual, but it’s a feeling that I have felt for him from the very first time, having no explanation then, and it not being any clearer now. All I know is that for the last 4 years when I pictured myself marrying someone, it has always been his face the one I saw. Even when I was in my last relationship, I would try to envision myself marrying my bf at the time, and I could see a married life, but even then the face of the person was not my bf, but this individual that I can not seem to remove from my heart and soul.

Our relationship consisted mostly of communicating over texts with a few phone calls, meeting up sporadically for two years whenever we seem to be both out in the city. We hardly ever planned to meet, and when we did, it never worked out. Either he cancelled or I did. After my last break up, we started to talk again, as we always seem to gravitate towards each other unknowingly why. He has told me several times that he doesn’t know what it is about me that keeps drawing him in. We never became intimate until about a year and a half ago, and even then, sex was something that was never a priority to each other. We yearned to speak to each other, and if we hung out and sex wasn’t involved, it was okay. If it happened, it was a plus, but never the basis of our interaction. He opened up with me in ways that I know he barely did with anyone else. This man is an introvert and is very secretive about his life.  Therefore, I always kept him a secret in my life as well, only telling my closest family members and friends about my undying love for him, never expressing it publicly to anyone else. Him and I never spoke about our feelings until recently, I felt that I meant something to him, it was something he didn’t have to say, I could tell by the way he remembered details of my life even if we hadn’t spoken in a few months. I could tell by the subtle ways he showed jealousy, and the way he always looked for me regardless of the amount of times that I would tell him to fuck off when I was upset.

I have always had the odd feeling that our love existed even if we never expressed it to one another. Maybe pride? Maybe fear? Maybe because we both knew the obstacles we faced. He always kept telling me that he wasn’t at a place yet in his life where he could devote time to a relationship. Sometimes I felt that he was waiting for me to evolve into the person that I know I will become in the future. Out of everyone that I know, he has supported me a 100% from the very first day that I told him that I was going to go back to school to be a doctor. He was actually one of the first to find out. He was shocked and happy, since then he has always sent me things to help me along in my journey, would take time to meet with me and help me study and do homework, would message me to see how I have been doing in my classes. Where most people told me I was crazy, he told me I was brave and pushed me towards this path that I am on. He never expressed it in words, but his actions spoke enough of his support for me. However, over the summer, I started to want more, I felt that him saying that he needed time was an excuse, why couldn’t we grow together with each other? I didn’t understand the separation.

I didn’t speak to him until today. In the last few months of silence, I had tried to make this love go away. Yet with each encounter and each kiss from someone else, it has been unwavering. Lingering, his face being the first one I see when I open my eyes in the morning and his face being the last one I see when I go to sleep. I have always kept him in my prayers, wanting nothing more than his happiness and safety. In our conversation today, he told me he was leaving almost instantly, asked me not to tell because no one but his immediate family knew of his plans. So I asked, then why are you telling me? An answer that I already knew, “because it’s you and I feel you should know, you are my well wisher.” I cried for a minute or two at the thought of him being far away from me. Although I rarely saw him in NY, at least I had the comfort of knowing that he was a few miles away. Then I realized that my love for him would persist even with his departure that the feeling I have felt since he entered my life would not change, that when I see myself getting married, it’s still his face next to mine. I wonder if I’m being delusional, or if I am trying to manifest my subconscious dreams, or if that is a sign that no matter how much time passes by and where life takes us to, that in the end when the timing is right, we will come together eventually. A theory that only time will unfold to reveal its truth. He has taught me one fundamental lesson, that love is something that is felt and not chosen. We can’t choose who to love based on a list of what our ideal partner should be. In fact, he is not what I consider my ideal partner to be, yet my love for him is one that I cannot deny. It is a love that I will have from afar for time to come.