Toxic Love

Have you ever been involved with someone that made you lose all of your senses? Someone that made you feel like a drug addict that couldn’t escape and would relapse constantly no matter how many times you told yourself that this was the last time you would see this person? Have you ever become so possessive and jealous of them even liking another girl’s pictures, of their female friends or them just even communicating at all with someone of the opposite sex? Have you ever been with someone that you craved emotionally and sexually all the time and you just couldn’t get enough of them? Has any one ever had control over you to the point that one text can send you into a downward spiral of emotions and then a simple loving text from them would turn your nightmare into a wonderful day again? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you most likely were involved in a toxic relationship.

If you haven’t experienced this, then maybe you are wondering that some of these things don’t sound too bad. When you are in it and it is new, it is very exciting, intriguing, and a whole lot of fun. But once it becomes too toxic, it will have the power to crush you. It will be a long road to recovery from that relationship. I was involved in a toxic relationship before and it was an amazing feeling that words can not describe. I don’t think I have ever felt that intense about someone else in my life. However, relationships that start off this intense, always end in a very dramatic way. You will find yourself saying things you don’t mean and reacting in ways that you never thought that you would. You will lose your self respect over and over again, and eventually when it is over, all communication will have to be lost in order to resume a normal life. However, you will find yourself fantasizing of wanting to have one more night, one more rendezvous with this individual, just to feel those emotions again.

It was a Thursday night in NYC, and I was at a roof top because that is what New Yorkers do when the weather is nice. I was with a friend of mine called Luana, she was from Croatia. The most beautiful girl that I have ever met in my life. She was also even more beautiful on the inside and so full of life and energy. She was a new friend and we were getting to know each other.

“Have you ever been in love?” she asked me.

“Yes, I have been in love 3 times in my life, with each time being more intense than the last time. What about you?”

“Yes, I have, only once though. He was my heaven and my hell at the same time. He came into my life and filled it with so much love and life and destroyed me completely. He is the reason why I decided to move back to New York. I needed to leave Croatia, if not, I would have been in a repetitive cycle with him that was only killing me by the second.”

“I have been there before myself. I know exactly what you mean. You are very brave to have come here by yourself, leave your family and friends behind. I don’t know if I could have done the same.”

“I had no choice, had I stayed, I don’t know what would have become of me. He was my drug, we would be okay and the whole world would be roses and peaches, and then we would fight, curse each other out, hit each other, block each other, and my world was over. I would feel like I wanted to kill myself, because he was my every breath and I was suffocating without hearing from him, without feeling his touch, without seeing his face. My family suggested that I come here and leave, they were scared for me too.”

“We have paralleled lives, I have lived through that. I was very weak for many, many years. Did things I am not proud of. Constantly allowed my ex boy friend to disrespect me, hurt me, manipulate me, and then we would have sex the same day as if nothing had happened. I admit that sometimes I was the one that was doing the emotional abuse. I would ask myself at times, why do I say these things to hurt him that I do not mean? I did not have an explanation for it but possessiveness. “

“If that person were to contact you and tell you to meet him in another country and just forget the past and be together for a brief moment in time, would you go? If they said there was no commitment, that nobody had to know, and that after that you part ways and continue to live your life, would you take that offer?”

“It is hard to say, I feel like I would have a long battle with my heart saying yes, and my brain telling me all the reasons why I shouldn’t. I would be curious to know what it would feel like, but also scared to love it and get addicted again to someone I know is not good for me.”

“I have had my ex blocked on my phone for two years, he is blocked from my social media, emails, and texting. I decided two weeks ago to unblock him because it had been so long, and I felt like I was at a good place in my life in which he could not affect me anymore. I also did not think that he would message me. But two nights ago he sent me a message on Whatsapp and he proposed that we meet in Amsterdam, just us two for New Years. He said he would fly me out and pay for everything just to have 4 days with me in which we indulge in all things our hearts desire. At first I was angry, like how dare him ask me that after everything he did to me. He didn’t even ask me how I have been. I sent him an essay cursing him out and telling him how he ruined my life. I was so angry that I couldn’t stop crying, that one simple message, brought me back to exactly the same way that I would feel when we were together and would fight. And then a few hours later, he still had not responded and then I messaged him again saying to forget all that I said and that I would go. I was immediately happy by the idea of spending New Years with him. He responded back excitedly and we have been texting and calling each other ever since as if we had never broken up. I have been beating myself up all day because I feel so stupid. All that hard work of trying to get over him and one sentence has me crawling back into his trap. The worse part is that I know this is wrong, and I can’t even tell my closest friends and family members because I know they will tell me what I already know. They wouldn’t let me go on the trip, yet I want to more than anything in this world, for just 4 days feel what I used to once know so well. That euphoria of an all encompassing love”

“That is very hard. I think that knowing myself, I probably would be tempted to go. I am a hopeless romantic that loves to be in love even when it is not good for me. But I also know that when I were to come back from that trip that I would be starting all over again and having to go through all the stages of trying to get over someone. What if your time spent with him is so magical that you come back to be even worse than what you once were? With him living in Croatia, it may destroy you even more. Are you going to go?”

“I know, that is why I am so upset at myself for unblocking him. How would he even know that he wasn’t blocked anymore? All this time I have dated and been in other relationships and have never felt like I belonged to any of them. I always felt like I wasn’t myself, and just giving a piece of myself for the sake of the relationship. But deep down I never stopped feeling like he was the one I am suppose to marry one day. I secretly compared everyone to him, and often fantasized of what my life would be like if we were still together, and of how life was before things started to go wrong between us. I gave him everything that I had to give and more, he always took and took and used his power over me to control my life. I was a model in my teen years, and past up on job opportunities that could have led to bigger things because they would have required me to move away from Croatia. However, I ended up having to come to New York anyways to save my life. I believe that he is my soul mate, what if this is suppose to be a second chance and this time it will work? Can I live with myself if I don’t go and never find out what could have come from this? You are the first person that I am telling all of this to, I just met you, but some how I feel like I can confide in you.”

“Thank you, I appreciate that, and your secret is safe with me. That is something however that I can not advise you on. Eventually you will do what you feel is best, and what you want to do. If it were me, I most likely would end up making the decision not to go. I have been in love 3 times and often tried to make things work after some time had passed by. In my experience, things were always great at first and eventually reverted back to the same toxic pattern that I already knew so well. If you decide to go, and it is not what you hoped for, I will be here for you to help you recover. “

I was shocked that someone as beautiful as her was experiencing the same things that I myself knew so well. But thats the thing about love, when you love that one person in that way, the hottest guy could be treating you like a queen and it is irrelevant if you don’t feel the same.

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